


Excuse My Language, But Screw The Cat

by That_Guitar_Kid



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Established Relationship, F/F, Humanstuck, I'm trash and I'm ok with it, John/Dave mentioned, M/M, RoseMary needs more fanfiction, just some RoseMary fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2016-10-29
Packaged: 2018-08-27 17:03:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8409625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/That_Guitar_Kid/pseuds/That_Guitar_Kid
Summary: Rose and Kanaya are adorable girlfriends. Humanstuck AU. Roxy is staying with her bffsie Jane in Washington for Christmas, and she asked Rose to catsit Vodka Mutini and G-Cat. While Roxy is gone, Kanaya comes to spend Christmas with Rose and they get snowed in. The story will jump to specific scenes, since who the hell can make up two entire weeks on the spot?Also there miiiiight be a bonus DaveJohn scene at the end because I'm weak.Up for adoption! Or co-writing. Please read and give feedback/suggestions!





	

**Roxy leaves her sister alone with Kanaya for Christmas**

"Rose? Roooooooose?" a happy voice snapped Rose Lalonde out of her trance. She shut her book just as Roxy, her older-sister-slash-guardian opened the door. "I'm leaving now, can you help me get my junk to the care? I mean- carr? No- car?" Roxy had a habit of accidentally mispronouncing words, although she wasn't dumb by any means. 

"Couldn't you have put your stuff in the car  _before_ it was time to leave?" Rose asked jokingly, knowing full well her scatterbrained sister would never do that. "Now I have to get up." Rose fixed her short blonde hair as she stood up and stretched out of her comfy book-reading slouch with a yawn. Whatever Vladimir Todd was about to do to save Aunt Nelly from D'ablo could wait.

* * *

 

The two blondes hugged each other tightly, all of Roxy's bags heaped in the trunk of their beat-up grey sedan. Roxy was leaving for two weeks to stay with her best friend Jane in Washington for Christmas. Jane's little bro and his boyfriend, John and Dave (who also happened to be two of Rose's very best chums) would also be there. Jane was allergic to cats, so Rose would be staying behind with her girlfriend Kanaya and cat-sitting their two furballs. Sure, having the house to herself was cool, but it was Christmas and Roxy was Rose's only living family that they knew of. So, yes, Rose wasn't ashamed to say her eyes were a bit shinier than usual as they bid farewell. 

"Don't forget to read the book about the mousse- mouse- and the Christmas tree, okay?"

"I know Roxy, we've done it every year since I was like, 3."

"Also-"

"Mutie likes the leopard print fuzzy blanket, keep GodCat inside no matter how much he complains, don't go through your stuff, and don't give the neighbors a reason to call 911. I think I can handle it." She said with a laugh. "What do you think I'm going to do, throw a kegger and invite the Nicest Kids in Town? I can handle cat-sitting for two weeks. Especially with Kanaya." Rose grinned sassily at Roxy, whom pretended to wipe a tear.

"You're growing up so fast..." Roxy mock-sobbed onto Rose's shoulder before they both started giggling. A dark green BMW interrupted their sisterly moment, however, when Rose's dark-skinned girlfriend waved from the passenger seat. Kanaya was clearly excited. Her cousin Porrim had given the all-clear to let Kanaya stay over for the full two weeks. Roxy and Rose both waved back before Roxy released Rose. "I'll leave you two crazey-- Fuck! Crazy! Kids to it." Roxy winked and slid into the jam-packed vehicle. Rose chuckled and waved her sister off. To Rose, the drab colored car seemed as if it pulled a light away the farther it left. She would miss Roxy.

A warm body pressed against her in a tight hug. "Merry Christmas, Rose!" Rose smiled softly and turned to give Kanaya a hug. 

"Hello, Kanaya." They exchanged a kiss and a smile as they walked into the laboratory-like house to make hot cocoa, talk, and play with the cats.

* * *

**The heat is shitty and it's way too fucking cold**

"Rose." An insistent voice pushed at the sleeping girl, as did a pair of hands. "Rose, Get Up." 

"Mmfngh..." Rose halfheartedly nestled deeper into the bed. The two of them had opted to stay in Rose's room in favor of getting the guest room messy. Rose's room was dark but cozily lit with rainbow fairy lights and strategically-placed candles that made the room smell of Fresh Winter Pine and Sweet Apple Cider.

"Rose. We Are Snowed In And The Front Door Won't Even Open, I Need Your Help To Get Some More Firewood."

Fuck.

Rose rubbed at her eyes, grumpy from being woken up. "Can't you just turn up the heater?" she groaned. Kanaya shook her head and sighed.

"It's Already Up Pretty High. Much More And I Think It Would Break."

"Then just cuddle with me for warmth... c'mon, Kanny, please don't make me get up... you can wake me up early on Christmas. You can hold out for two days." 

"Rose- No, Please Don't Go Back To Sleep- Rose!" Kanaya shook the blonde's shoulder quickly, but Rose was too far gone. This girl would be the death of her, Kanaya thought as she gave in and lifted up the blanket to crawl in beside Rose. Firewood could wait for later.

* * *

  **Later, the flighty broads have fun baking cookies**

Rose and Kanaya shoved themselves back in the house, each carrying two bags of groceries and absolutely coated in snow. "I can't believe we actually made it. I'm freezing my fucking feet off!" Rose shivered, rubbing her hands together once the bags were set down.

"I'm Just Happy We Got Back Okay And The Cats Didn't Get Out." Kanaya laughed. "Hurry Up And Get Out Of That Mountain Of Snow Jackets So We Can Start Baking." 

"Yes ma'am." The two girls changed out of their cold, wet clothes into warm, dry ones. (they only wasted about 6 minutes kissing.) Rose wore baggy black sweats and a long sleeve pale pink shirt with a Christmas tree on it. Kanaya had on peppermint striped leggings and a dark green sweater. "I'll feed the kitties, you set up the baking supplies." Rose said, excited for Christmas baking with her Girlfriend™. Baking meant decorating. Decorating meant icing. Icing meant yum. Yum meant sweet kisses. Sweet kisses meant... well, we'll just let Rose keep those thoughts to herself, shall we? (A/N: *wonk*) 

Mariah Carey's voice mixed with the rest of the festively decorated kitchen, making Kanaya feel the happy butterflies that come with Christmas. She and Rose worked together on the dough, making bad jokes and singing along to the radio. 

"What do you call a reindeer that ca- crap!" Rose swore as she dropped the rolling pin. Kanaya leaned down and caught it just before it hit the floor, laughing at Rose. When she looked up, Rose was giggling and leaning on the counter. A smear of red frosting was on her cheek and the fairylights behind her accentuated how dark it was outside. Rose seemed to be surrounded in a soft glow, like she was attracting light. Kanaya's cheeks flushed red as she stared at her gorgeous girlfriend, a goofy smile on her face as she held the rolling pin. "Kanny- Kanny, you okay?" Rose panted, slightly out of breath and still laughing a bit. 

Kanaya blinked as she was startled out of her stare. "Oh- Never Been Better." she smiled and stood up, kissing Rose for a solid five seconds. 

Rose smiled back at her softly once they pulled apart, eyes half closed. "Hey Kanaya."

"Hm?"

"Why are lesbians so bad at cooking?"

"What- Well, I Hardly Think That's A Fair Assumption To Make-"

"Just ask why!"

"Fine, Rose. Why  _are_ lesbians so bad at cooking?" Kanaya raised an eyebrow exasperatedly (but still amused) as she waited for the bound-to-be-shitty punchline.

"Because they always eat out."

"I-  _Rose!"_ Kanaya smacked Rose upside the head as the blonde doubled over laughing. 

"Y-You should have seen- you should have seen your face!" Rose cackled and grabbed the rolling pin from Kanaya, tossing it in the sink and grabbing the cookie cutters. They were making sugar cookies and now that the dough was all rolled out, shapes were to be made.

"Rose, I Swear To Jegus STOP With The Crappy Jokes!" the dark-skinned girl groaned, taking a bell shaped cookie cutter. 

"You know you love them." Rose bumped Kanaya with her hip.

"Not As Much As I Love You." Kanaya kissed her head, sighing with a laugh. "Although I'm Not Sure How You Manage To Act This Way And Still Be Responsible And- Somehow - Smart." she teased.

"Shut up and cut the dough with me." They were quiet for a minute, focused on not messing up the shapes as their casual conversation resumed.They talked about school, what Roxy, Jane, John and Dave were doing, whether Marina Diamandis or Mika were better, and books. 

Soon the cookies were ready to be put in the oven. Since Rose had a slight fear of being burned, Kanaya took care of doing that while Rose put everything in the sink and threw away the wax paper. She finished wiping the counter down with a sponge just as Kanaya finished adjusting the temperature and timer on the oven. They stood there for a moment, not sure of what to do, until Frank Sinatra's low voice crooned "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" from the radio. 

Rose put her hand on Kanaya's shoulder and Kanaya put her hand on Rose's waist as their other hands linked together. Gently pressing close together, they started shuffling a bit awkwardly until a slow, steady rhythm took hold. The two girls said nothing aloud, but actions show more than words. Rose's head rested against Kanaya's chest, both arms around her neck, as both of the taller's hands came down to hug around the blond girl's waist. 

"Merry Christmas... to... you..." Frank ended with a small piano chord and the room was silent. They kept going though, swaying to their own tune. 

A sudden beep from the oven startled them both, making Kanaya rush over to the oven to pull out the cookies and leave Rose longing for the warmth of Kanaya's hug. "Are they ready to decorate?" Rose asked, peering over Kanaya's shoulder. Kanaya tentatively poked one, testing its firmness. 

"Yes, They're Ready. Can You Grab The Star-Shaped Sprinkles?" Kanaya set the tray down on the counter and started moving the cookies onto a plate. Soon everything anyone could ever need for cookie baking was set up. Rose and Kanaya sat down on stools, decorating the cookies with their many, many toppings. There was red, blue, green, white and purplish/pink frosting(Rose always insisted on that color, no matter the holiday), sprinkles of all different shapes and sizes, redvines, M&M's, gumdrops and gummy snowflakes. To decorate all the cookies, it took them about an hour. 

"Kanny, I'm gonna make some hot chocolate to go with these." Rose said as she slid off the stool. Kanaya looked up from her second-to-last cookie.

"Alright. Want Some Help?" Rose shook her head. She was rather picky when it came to brewed drinks. Rose always insisted on being the one who made the tea, or hot cocoa, or heck, even just a martini. Neither of them really like coffee.

When Kanaya finished decorating, Rose was still making her cocoa. Picking up the frosting knife, a sneaky idea came to Kanaya as a smirk grew on her face. Silently sneaking up behind Rose, Kanaya used the butter knife to rub a glob of green icing on Rose's neck. Rose gasped in surprise, similar to small window of quiet to someone who has had an ice cube dropped down their shirt. "KANAYA!" Rose shrieked and spun around, murder in her eyes. Rose reached for her signature color of frosting, scooping up a large amount with a spoon. Kanaya, who had already been giggling, was now full on laughing and pleading for mercy.

"Rose, No, Please, I- I'm Sorry, Here, I'll Help You Clean It- Fuck!" Kanaya's green sweater was now adorning a mess of pinkish/purple frosting. Okay, now it's personal. Not the clothes. Kanaya grabbed a handful of frosting, forgoing the butter knife. Rose yelped and retaliated. A full on frosting war ensued, ending with the two of them collapsed in the middle of the kitchen, laughing so hard it was difficult to breathe.

"I- I'm sorry, Kanny!" Rose laughed as they both reached for each other, slowly cleaning up the frosting by eating it or kissing it away. 

"I'm Sorry Too, Rose." Kanaya giggled as she latched onto Rose's neck, cleaning up the original frosting spot and leaving a hickey when she was done. "That Was Very Fun." They exchange blushing looks as G-Cat walked past the kitchen door, miffed at not being allowed to go outside.

"Yeah..." they stayed there like that for a moment, enjoying the postwar happiness. "Whadya say we grab our cookies and cocoa and go watch reruns of Home Alone?" 

"Sounds Perfect." Kanaya grabbed the cookies as Rose finished up making the hot cocoa. When they were all ready, the girlfriends cuddled on the warm leather couch under a comforter and turned on the tv. Kanaya took an appreciative sip of her hot chocolate. Rose  _was_ very good at making drinks, although she wasn't sure if that had anything to do with Roxy. "We've Both Seen This Movie So Many Times It's Getting Ridiculous." Kanaya chuckled and kissed Rose's cheek as the blonde took a bite of cookie. 

Home Alone is a good movie. It really is. But try as they might, (and they didn't try very hard) sloppy makeouts interrupted about 1/4 of the film. Eventually Kanaya fell asleep, cuddling into Rose's side. Rose fell asleep soon after. G-Cat and Vodka Mutini (yes, they're actually still here!) took the small window of quiet to curl up in front of the fireplace and sleep. 

Well, wasn't this the picture of perfection. Cats purring by the fireplace, Christmas movie playing, snow falling outside at night, two sleeping girlfriends and one undecorated tree. Hopefully the fireplace won't burn the house down.

* * *

**Even Later, Rose and Kanaya get their mack on**

Well _hey_ _._

Let's start from the top.

Rose slowly woken up around 11:30 am, cuddled by Kanaya and slightly sore from sleeping in a weird position. She rubbed her eyes with a yawn and smiled down at the bronze-skinned beauty nestled into her arms. Kanaya was beautiful in the morning light. The cups from last night were sat on the coffee table and the last bright coals from the fireplace did little to warm the room. Oh shit, they forgot to put that out. Looking around the room, Rose saw the undecorated Christmas tree. Aw  _hell_ no. Christmas was in less than a week and the tree wasn't decorated. The Lalondes always got a huge tree because of their huge-ass collection of ornaments. Rose and Roxy usually did it together, but since that obviously couldn't happen, Kanaya would just have to do it with her. Lalonde-style. 

Which was why, two hours later, Rose and Kanaya were surrounded by boxes upon boxes of tree ornaments and Kanaya was up on a ladder, struggling to put the star on top. "Rose, Couldn't You Have Bought A Smaller Tree? Or At Least A Bigger Ladder?" Kanaya groaned and grasped at the tree. 

"Sorry Kanny, it's a tradition. Besides, the longer you're up there, the longer I get to look at this fiiine ass." Rose wiggled her eyebrows at Kanaya, who blushed and flipped Rose off. 

"I Am One Hundred Percent  _Done_ With All Your Snarky Horseshit Rose." Kanaya retorted as she finally got the star on top. "Now, Pass Me Another Ornament."

"You're still dating me, though." Rose grinned and passed up a tiny teddy bear hugging a book. Eventually, the entire tree was coated in so many lights, streamers, ornaments, prisms and candy canes that you almost needed sunglasses to look at it. The girls stepped back and admired their work, Rose taking a quick blurry snapchat of Kanaya stealing a candy cane from the tree.

 "Rose, Please Don't Post That, No- Rose Fucking Lalonde You Will Not Snapchat Humiliate Me On Christmas Break!" Kanaya yelped indignantly while laughing and wrestled the phone from Rose. 

"Kanaya! Do it for posterity's sake!" Rose pleaded, laughing as well. She jumped at Kanaya and the two of them toppled onto the floor, giggling and fighting for the phone. Kanaya's hand held the phone out of Rose's reach, smacking an unhappy G-Cat who hissed and stalked away. Eventually they ended up with Kanaya straddling Rose's hips with both of them panting for breath. Soft giggles danced around the room. Rose stared up at Kanaya and well _hey_.  _Kanaya._ This sexy broad was almost too much. "Hey Kanny." Rose grinned softly, getting her girlfriend's attention. 

"Y...Yes Rose?" Kanaya responded, the last sounds of laughter dying away. She looked down at Rose and blushed a bit, appreciating Rose's beauty illuminated by the Christmas tree.

"Wanna head to bed?"

"Hell yes."

The two grinned at each other, slightly delirious with happiness, love and lust as they maneuvered off the floor. Rose led Kanaya by the hand, both giggling as they hurried to Rose's immaculate room. 

Well, at least it was immaculate now...

* * *

**After the Sex Kanaya wraps presents and Rose reads with the cats. Also, Skype.**

About 5 hours later, Kanaya woke up from her post bedtime fun nap to see Rose sitting in her lavender bean bag chair that had been a gift from Jade. Vodka Mutini was lying on her lap and G-Cat perched on the desk, grooming himself with a dignified air. Rose was reading 'Twas the Night Before Christmas aloud and adding personal commentary. Kanaya smiled to herself and nestled back into the blankets, listening to Rose read. She had a pretty soothing voice.

(i have literally no idea what i'm doing with this fic if someone wants to help or offer suggestions please do)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this! I'm writing this at 12:30 am, so it might be a bit shaky but then again who doesn't write fanfiction at ungodly hours of the morning? ;) Message me requests for fics, I'll write them asap! I hope you enjoyed this. :) Homestuck is not mine, all I own is this storyline. I'm sorry if they're ooc. This is being updated over a long period of time, I don't have a way to write it all somewhere else and copy-paste it.


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